Currently So Jealous By Tegan and Sara Where Does the Good Go? see related

These days I know even less than I did some weeks ago. Then, I knew nothing other than love. This week, I know nothing at all.

It's a nice day outside. It's sunny and there's a slight breeze and it's neither hot nor cold. I rode bike today. It was nice until the wind changed direction and then I was going against it. I'm always going against something. That was miserable. I got the whole quivering legs, thighs-on-fire feeling; but I kept going. What else was I to do? I had to get where I was going. Right? Right. Later, I sat/reclined/lay on the curb and let sunshine rain on me. Haha, oh I try so hard but the sadness doesn't disappear.

It's okay though.

School is such a bore these days too. It simply doesn't happen. I don't know why I go. I don't know why I stayed. I should have graduated. I should have. I could have. I would have. My French teacher had a chat with me about how she doesn't understand why I don't do my homework. She says I'm one of her best students, she knows I am because when she calls on me because I'm too busy bleeding ink and lost in my own thoughts I immediately come up with something to say in French and I conjugate and use accents and agreements and sound beautiful; she says she expects more from me. Thanks, Madame Denton, really. I appreciate it, but don't you fucking tell me you expect more from me. Don't anyone ever fucking tell me they expect shit from me. God. 

If I were smart I'd withdraw from it all. If I were smart I'd focus on "the important things." If I were smart I'd diet, exercise, and stop talking to certain people. If I were smart I'd stop all my bad habits and destroy and rebuild. But alas.
Tom says he loves me because I'm terribly flawed. He says he loves me because I'm motherly and pretty and intelligent and terribly, horribly flawed. I am flawed, about that he is right.

"Oh I, I feel like
I wouldn't like me if I met me

Well I can't stop talking for fear
Of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and
Honestly, it's bringing me down

Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

And don't you worry, there's still time
Don’t you worry, there’s still time"

I love Tegan and Sara.

EDIT: wtf. I would have never thought you'd meddle in the affairs of others.

Currently Hipster Haiku By Siobhan Adcock see related

From book I just read:

My sardonic wit
Doesn't translate in email
That's why I'm alone

O, Conor Oberst
Sexy, impossible, Fey
My eyes are bright, too

Someone stole my bike
Right in front of my building
But left the blanket

I'll update later.

From Sparknotes:

"If we try to reconcile the conflict between our need for answers and the world's silence we will be evading the absurd rather than confronting it. Camus characterizes our confrontation with the absurd with an absence of hope, continual rejection, and conscious dissatisfaction. Living with this conflict is neither pleasant nor easy, but trying to overcome the conflict does not answer so much as it negates the problem of the absurd. Camus is interested in whether we can live with the feeling of absurdity, not whether we can overcome it."

I have internet again and will update this as soon as I can dedicate time to xangaing.

I am inspired and need to paint or write or both.

I'LL WRITE WITH PAINT ON A CANVAS!

or something.

I'm happy.

"So, who broke your heart?"
"My heart? Well...my heart's not really broken. I mean, it was but...how can I explain this? Oh, I know. IT breaks and re-glues itself together almost instantly. On the surface at least. My heart only breaks on the inside. Imagine a seemingly-solid object with no cracks and no bruises--nothing. Perfectly whole. It's only problem is that it isn't really solid. No, it's not hollow either. It just breaks inside so if you shake it you can hear all the shattered bits moving around inside. Get it?"

I love music and books and coca cola and coffee and writing and sleep.
And I love how yesterday I couldn't think of a single song that described me and today I have a bunch. It's just that I don't want to use them because none of them portray things that I want to be associated with, but, fuck it, they do portray what things are like. *shrug*

City Girl, A Better Son/Daughter, You Are The Moon, Boats and Birds, a lot of the Cloud Cult songs even.

Gah. here's a song.

"I wish I could shed all your feathers from my head
Because all they do is keep me stifled when I only want to tell you right now
Tear your clothes off with my teeth like some unruly uncaged beast
From your forehead to your feet
I need to feel the Boston peace I felt that night with you
Drug-like release
The sheets engulfing you
Know that I need you, I want you, I'm dying for you
Here in my heart where my veins are combusting for you
All that I've learned I-I'm learning I'm falling for you now
For you now
Watch me sinking slowly into nothing
Nothing matters
Give me some limb I can hold onto
Only you can save me."